Before we get into a full-blown lesson/unit on discrimination and bullying, I'd like to share a post I found that defines bullying. I apologize that I can't provide you with a link to the original; I can't remember where I found it! If I can find it again, I'll add the link.

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Many sources report that the U.S. is experiencing an epidemic of bullying, and the Stopbullying.gov website reports that as many as 28 percent of sixth- to twelfth-grade students have been bullied. It is often difficult to distinguish ordinary social clashes from bullying; it is important to do so, however, because they require very different responses on the part of bystanders and adults.

What Is “Normal”?

Social conflict refers to disagreements between two or more people with equal power or control. Generally, both parties are very emotional about the argument, which usually centers on something external to both sides: siblings arguing over which television show to watch or who gets the biggest piece of cake, peers squabbling over a potential girlfriend or boyfriend. Typically, both parties want the problem resolved, and both are usually willing to take responsibility and will show remorse, eventually. Most often, if the external focus goes away, the conflict ends.

It is important not to intervene too quickly in these kinds of situations. While it is nice to believe that people can always get along, the reality is that, even as adults, folks disagree, sometimes to the point of loud arguments. It is important for children and teens to have the opportunity to learn to resolve issues for themselves. As a parent or teacher, your best help is to teach your child conflict resolution skills like active listening and compromise. If necessary, you might referee a discussion between the sides, but let the feuding factions lead the conversation.

When Is It Bullying?

Bullying looks very different from everyday conflict and disagreement. A bully fully intends to hurt the target, either physically or emotionally, and behaves aggressively to do so. Bullying is a pattern of behavior, rather than a single episode; it always involves an imbalance of power that make it difficult, if not impossible, for the target to make it stop, such as a bigger student harassing a smaller one or a popular student bullying someone less popular. Although bullies often defend themselves by claiming they were only “kidding around,” the teasing involved is unwanted -- a situation in which all involved are not enjoying the joke. Verbal bullying involves attacks on internal qualities of the target, such as appearance, grades or socio-economic status.

Bullying is also characterized by a difference in the emotional response to the actions. In a normal social quarrel, the reactions are fairly equal; when bullying is involved, the victim feels fear, perhaps anger, but the bully has little or no emotional response at all. The bully is seeking power, control or material possessions, rather than the resolution sought in ordinary conflict. The threats are often very serious, and the bully may blame the target for the problem.

Bullying requires immediate intervention, and it should not involve having the two parties “talk it over.” A victim should never be forced to participate in mediation efforts, nor should he be held responsible in any way. A bully is the only one accountable for the unacceptable behaviors, and he is the only one responsible for changing the behaviors and attitudes.

One encouraging point, however, is that 56 percent of tweens and young teens report that they have either done something to stand up to a bully or have reported it to someone with the power to make it stop. Empowering students with strategies for not joining in, seeking adult help, taking a stand, mobilizing peer response or befriending the bullied peer offer another layer of resources to combat this problem.